Dealing with Rejection

Source: tumblr.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

Last week I was having a hard time finding the energy to post all that much. Since Monday was a holiday it did make the week start out on a different track than normal so that may have had something to do with it. It was also the first week of rejections (sort of) from the festival circuit and I was feeling a little less than positive. It is something you feel you should be prepared for it, but it is still a little rough.

When applying for festivals you apply for the most prestigious first and then work your way down. So really I had the smallest of small chances of getting into the first wave of festivals I applied for (and there are still a few whose tell by dates are later this month and for at least one of those I am almost certain I won't get in), but for some reason this is when all my self doubt begins to surface.

I keep thinking that no one will program a film about ballet and why did I make a film with all women again? People want to hear male voices. This is the sad truth about our society. At this point I have only been rejected by two or three festivals, but for some reason this is the hardest hurdle to get over. I am not sure why. When I watch my film now all I can think of are the reasons people will hate it instead of why they may love it. Some of the reasons are so miniscule like a sound pop that more than likely only myself and, perhaps, someone who is really into sound will hear.

I understand that there is a lot more that goes into programming a festival beyond whether a film is good. And these festivals at the beginning of my festival campaign get many thousands of entries. I can't even imagine how hard it is for programmers to whittle 5,000 films down to 100. Yikes. Of course just because something makes sense in your head doesn't mean it makes sense in you heart. Is that way too corny?

This week I am trying to put all that behind me and get back into the swing of a normal week. We are moving out of our apartment and into a house in the next few weeks so a lot is going on. If I am lucky I will be able to focus on other things and not even think about the upcoming notifications. Once February is over the notifications are much more random so I will have a better chance at forgetting that they are looming on the horizon.

I also remind myself of what it felt like a few weeks ago when someone who has seen the film made a fairly direct quote from the film in something I was reading. She wasn't promoting the film and didn't even reference the film at all, but clearly a moment from the film has stayed with her and she had been thinking about it. It made me feel that my work left an impression. Of course, it also meant that I want more people to see it.

(quote from pinterest; I think it might be about love relationships, but is also quite appropriate for the love-hate film fest journey)
 

Reading Gelsey Kirkland

Source: bing.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

Gelsey Kirkland's most famous book, Dancing on My Grave, details the rise and fall of an extraordinary career. Though a wonder if she  will ultimately be remembered for her drug addiction or her dancing. She danced Clara in Baryshnikov's Nutcracker and I have a feeling she will be remembered, by most, for that. (Here is a link to a clip of her in Giselle, one of my personal favorite ballets)

She wrote a second book along with her, now ex, husband titled The Shape of Love. I have been thinking about it a lot because she goes into the extensive detail of creating the characters she is dancing and how it is more than simply dancing steps. The motivation behind any art form is so important and I believe can really make or break a piece (in dance, film, music, art, etc). I have really been wanting to re-read this book and may have to squeeze it in somehow.

Day 20: Something that means a lot to me.

Here is another post where I want to say my daughter; I just thought I would put that out there. I had a hard time deciding what to write about, but today we had to re-arrange our schedule all around so that I could go to a dance class. Usually I go on Thursdays though since this Thursday is a major holiday class is cancelled. So I realized that ballet classes mean a lot to me. Particularly getting to go to Boulder Ballet with the same teachers I have had since I was a girl.

I had these great intentions of taking pictures in class today to post here, but I failed. Somehow I was distracted because I even had my phone out ready to go. With an internet search underway I came up with the above pictures. These pictures our of the studio where I danced so many years ago. Currently, Boulder Ballet is located at the Dairy Center for Arts, but it used to be here (it was also called Ballet Arts). It was above Tom's Tavern on the West End of Pearl Street. These pictures make me a little bit sad, but also a little happy because I can imagine being there, where I stood at the barre, being distracted looking out those wonderful windows, and the smell of fries wafting out of Tom's. The studio was on the second floor and to get there you had to climb a very steep and narrow stairway. Sometimes there would be violin music because there was a rehearsal space across the hall. This was such a special place to take classes.

Even though I am being flooded with amazing memories; I will share just one. It is an incredibly big deal when a young dancer gets to finally wear pointe shoes. If you wear them too early you can cause a lot of physical damage. It doesn't have so much to do with technique as much as it does with a child's development. Before we could take pointe class (which at first was 15 minutes at the end of our technique class) we had to have our shoes approved by our teacher and  I remember us all sitting around her (she was in a chair, placed to the right of the door in the top picture, and we all looked up at her with our eager eyes wanting so badly to put on our shoes and dance across the floor). She explained how to sew the ribbons and elastic onto our shoes, how to take care of our feet (blisters, ouch), and I remember very clearly being told not to dance around in the shoes outside of class (so we wouldn't injure ourselves before we knew how to dance in the shoes properly). It was a really good day.

Today as I was driving down the East End of Pearl St., I was thinking about how different it looks. I tried to think about what the old buildings looked like or where there used to be  dirt lots when I was growing up. Everything looks all nice and pretty now, but sometimes I miss when things aren't so polished, and shiny, and new looking.

Apparently this post is about two things that mean a lot to me: ballet and memories. Though, for me I guess those two things will always be intertwined.
(photos found at this photo stream)

Squirreled Away

I know that I have been away for awhile now, but am trying to get back to the habit. I have a pile of slides that I need to scan and share. My excuse is that I have been extremely busy. Not only am I wrangling an almost-two-year old daily, but I also worked a film festival and am commuting to Charlotte to shoot the documentary.

Here's to steady postings...

P.S. The photo above is shot on film, Yea!

And then there really were three...

Ok, so it appears I was not kidding when I said things happen in threes (good and bad). Today I just read that a third blogger, that I read fairly regularly, is pregnant. How weird is that?

I told you it wouldn't be me.

Things Happen in Threes

 

Have you ever noticed that things tend to happen in threes? Inevitably, when a famous person passes away, two more are sure to follow within the week.  Well, to put a positive spin on the idea, this past week or so two bloggers that I read fairly regularly both announced pregnancies, here and here. So I am wondering who will be next? Rest assured it is absolutely, unequivocally, not me. But hence, I thought I would share some cute little baby feet on a summer day for the occasion. It makes me wistful for barefoot weather.

My Grandfather's Hands

Lately, I haven't been doing so well bringing my film camera around with me and getting the few rolls of film I have shot to the lab. So I'm cheating with this post because these photos were all taken with my little Fuji point and shoot digital camera.

At the end of the day a few nights ago I looked down at my hands and felt as though I was looking at my grandfather's hands. I have never thought this before, I had neglected them in this cold weather and looked older than normal and like his. I think, maybe, it is in the knuckles. The funny thing is I don't think of my father's hands. My father is a woodworker and his hands are unique to him alone because they show the time he has spent working outside, working with his tools, and more than likely from the wood itself. For some reason this made me want to photograph things around my house that we have made. My dad makes beautiful clocks (though I realized this picture displays the least impressive part, maybe I'll post more tomorrow). The most impressive piece of his work that I own is in the bedroom where my daughter was sleeping, thus no pictures, perhaps for the next post. Other than that I restored the orange chair (see here), made the cork board, and crocheted the blankets, which my grandmother taught me to do. Now that I think of it we were inspired to make a cork board by the huge cork board my father-in-law made many years ago. The things we make with our hands.

Thoughts on Tchaikovsky and Disney

I still have some of these black and white photos to post from late summer. This was a lime cake with a blackberry sauce. It was pretty easy and really good, though straining the blackberries was slightly tedious. Check out the recipe here.

Lately, I've been watching a lot of Disney. Classic Disney. I have no idea what they are making currently. Actually that is not completely true I know they are returning to some hand drawn animation. Thank goodness, all the digital animation looks the same to me, which is why I don't know what production company made what film. The classic films seem to take more risks and are even somewhat experimental. Of course Fantasia is pretty obvious, but as I watched it during vacation in hopes of lulling my little one to sleep I was impressed, again. I only watched the Nutcracker Suite segment, though I watched it many times, but it amazes me how a major motion picture such as this focuses so much on visual interpretation of music. In some ways it makes me think of Stan Brakhages late films. In my last year of college I saw him speak about how he was attempting to use each frame to visually represent a musical note from any given work of music. For instance he showed this film, Water for Maya. Fantasia is significantly more accessible than Brakhage, but it interests me that they merge conceptually.

At first my daughter would only watch Belle, not even all of Beauty and the Beast, just the parts with Belle. Now she is just starting to broaden her horizons and she will watch some of Sleeping Beauty. I remembered that the film used parts of Tchaikovsky's score, I assumed the most famous parts, but in reality the film uses most of the score. The entire film was clearly created around the music; it inspires the entire film. Much like Fantasia, of course there is a story and characters in Sleeping Beauty. Contrast this with the most recent cinematic interpretation of The Nutcracker, that appears to focus only on the violence of the original story. Granted I've only seen the trailer, but I don't think music is the inspiration behind the film since barely any Tchaikovsky plays in the trailer, just a few notes of Sugar Plum. On a side note, my other complaint about this film is that it credits Tchaikovsky with story and music, when the story should be credited to E.T.A. Hoffman. If your seriously adapting a story it seems as though you'd know who wrote it.

Tchaikovsky has always been a personal favorite of mine. I know for someone who loves ballet that is a huge surprise. I am so excited that my daughter appears to like it as well (or that she wants to like what I like - I know that won't last). I just ordered the entire score of Sleeping Beauty for us to listen to and I am on the edge of my seat waiting for it to get here.

As I have been refreshing myself on classic Disney I am amazed at how each film has its own look and style. For instance Bambi is a watercolor interpretation and Sleeping Beauty has a medieval art look to it. There appears to be so much more thought and care given to these films that I don't see/feel in very many films of today. It is amazing to rediscover them.

Christmas Passes So Quickly

It seems as though I have been from the computer for a long time. I have spent the last few weeks everywhere but at my own house. We have an iPad that we bring with us when we travel, but I don't like to type on it. Thus, it has been quiet on the blog for awhile. I don't have any interesting photos of my vacations because I forgot my camera! I always forget something and this time it was the camera.

Before I left I received a roll of black and white prints back from the lab because I have to send B & W away and can't use the local lab it usually takes me a long time to send it out. Case in point these photos are from the summer. Of course, this is the perfect time to reflect on the year that has passed and so they seem apropos.

Black Swan

I thought I would share some experiments I took with toy cameras of a ballerina. I am excited to see how the pictures turn out in a studio or similar.

I posted these photos because I saw Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan today. It seems as though I have been waiting awhile for this film to come to theaters and often when that happens the film is somewhat disappointing. Fortunately, this wasn't the case with this film. The opening shot was a sparse, yet, beautiful dance amid blackness. And very quickly the beautiful grain of the film was eloquently apparent. I love when filmmakers eschew that perfect, crisp look for grain with movement and imperfections. The film was shot on super16, which makes perfect sense as to the larger grain (smaller frame size will be blown up more). Anyway, enough about film grain, as beautiful as it may be.

Some criticism of the film has been the use of cliched story lines, yet I felt that the acting was so good that the ballet cliches did not bother me.  There could have been more dancing, but it may also be in that perfect middle ground of just enough. I'll have to watch it again. Many of the shots were subjective medium shots either in front of or behind Natalie Portman, thus, most leg work was not visible and there were rarely long shots showing the entire stage. When the stage was shown it felt too small to be either of the stages at Lincoln Center.

I know that I will have much more to say about this film as it is still fairly fresh on my mind. It was also exciting to see so many filmgoers out on a Sunday to see a ballet film.

Happy Thanksgiving

We are getting ready to head down to Atlanta to celebrate our "first" Thanksgiving. When we get back we will celebrate our "second" Thanksgiving this Sunday (that's when we listen and dance to Arlo Guthro's Alice's Restaurant). Today I made a pumpkin cheesecake and a vanilla sparkling wine pound cake. I just finished wrapping them up and realized I had not taken pictures, hopefully I will remember when I get there.

There are many little things that signify the holiday that are springing up, for instance the radio station that plays not stop Christmas music and an ice rink downtown. I always get excited for the holiday commercials like the Hershey's kisses acting like bells and the one at the rings loud and long. One of my favorites is the Folgers commercial from the 1980s when the son comes home to surprise the family on Christmas morning. In the 1980s and 90s I thought it was lame, but now it's pretty cool because they keep playing this circa 1980 commercial. It has become a tradition. A few days ago I even told my husband I couldn't wait to see it.

Here comes the big disappointment. While watching some television tonight a Folgers commercial came on about a son coming home Christmas morning...but, it is not circa 1980 it is a contemporary family! They RE-SHOT the Folgers commercial! How could they do this to me? And it is so cheesy and unwatchable, ugh. Hopefully, I can find Miracle on 34th St. playing somewhere. Though, with my luck it will be colorized or even worse that awful remake.

To end on a happy note. My daughter and I went to the mall this week to Christmas shop and she saw Santa and he waved to her and it was very cute. She didn't sit on his lap just yet, I wasn't sure if my husband would want to be there, but she looked around the Santa area and oohhed and aahhed a lot. Christmas takes on a new perspective when you have a little girl around. Maybe I won't miss that Folgers commercial too much.

Chief

Today as I was driving my daughter to the arboretum for a walk the trees we drove under looked extraordinary. If only I had my Flip camera (and I wasn't driving) then I could have made a nice little autumn-esque video for Flip'n Friday. Unfortunately, I only had my still camera, but I'm planning on giving it a try this weekend when I can enlist my husband to drive.

Tonight as I was absentmindedly looking at videos on youtube, I decided to check out an old fave. Years ago I kept coming across Patty Griffin's video for Chief and, thus, began my love affair with her music. She has an amazing ability to create characters and stories in a manner of minutes. And the music is wonderful as well. A number of years ago I saw her at Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC, she was too "big" to be playing the venue, but apparently she insisted to her manager that he make it happen. At one point she forgot the lyrics to Rain and the entire crowd sang louder until she could catch up with us. It was one the best concert moments I have ever experienced.

Taking Its Toll

I'm not sure if I have ever explained how the academic job market works, but it is extremely different from all others. In the fall August-November most jobs get posted with deadlines ranging from about November-January. So you have to try to apply to all the jobs that are in your area of expertise, in all areas of the country, and these applications are not for the faint of heart. They often have many different elements and some schools want everything plus the kitchen sink. As deadlines pass you wait for a phone interview, sometimes they come two weeks after the deadline, sometimes a month or more. Speed is not a common attribute in academia (which I don't think is always bad, sometimes things need to move slowly to be done right). If you are one of the lucky ones and you get a campus invite that entails a two day interview process where you meet faculty, students, deans, give a teaching demo, and/or show your own work. Plus look around the town where the school is located, so you determine if you can live and excel in the area. And now I also have to consider if my daughter can live and excel in the area. It's exhausting.

I Miss Law & Order (the original)

I know that it had been on forever and I can still watch episodes on TBS, but I still miss it. In my opinion, CSI is all flash with no substance. Law & Order is thought provoking and deals with tough issues. Yesterday, I watched an episode that was probably close to ten years old that dealt with e coli and the food supply being tainted. Still relevant. It's not just about the grotesque way in which people are killed, but also about the politics of our nation. The show had a visual style (hand held camera work) that reflected the nature of the characters and setting instead of just how extreme can we get with our color grading. I am particularly upset that the show did not get a proper send off. They deserved a real final season with guest appearances and a Lenny Briscoe tribute of some kind. All right enough with my rant.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

 I feel as though I spend all of my days just waiting; waiting for job application deadlines to pass, waiting to hear from film festivals. Some notification dates are even in March. Can you imagine, March? It seems too far away. In March I might be ready for Spring. For short sleeves. Now, all I want to do is drink hot chocolate under warm blankets and watch documentaries and ballet movies. All to bide my time while I wait. And sing Tom Petty. Over and over again.

I'm not sure what the pictures have to do with waiting other than the spider on the berries has to patiently wait for its prey to walk into the web. Then they're rewarded. I hope that works for me as well.

Finally!

The leaves are changing and falling at a speedy pace. Nights are routinely cooler. I have finally switched out all of my summer clothes for fall clothes. Sweaters, at last, my favorite wardrobe staple. I got my hair cut last week and while waiting for my husband to pick me up afterward I window shopped. Nearly every window display featured sweaters. I love cardigans, pullovers, just about anything. My daughter wore her first sweater of the season this weekend to rave reviews. I am ready to start spending my evenings curled up under a blanket with a cup of tea and a book.

Summer's Last Stand

Inevitably, it always happens that summer tries to hold on longer than expected. The beginning of the week began cool and I was pulling down sweaters, shirts, and PJ's from storage. My daughter wore a flannel jumper and a knitted cap. We drank hot chocolate. And then...

It got warm again. On Thursday we went to the gardens in the afternoon and spotted tank tops and shorts. We were overheated in our long sleeves even in the shady bog gardens. The days are so beautiful and warm and I can bask in them knowing they are about to end. I don't think they can hold on much longer. Those leaves in the trees are changing. I'm not dreaming anymore. I can see them in the pictures. Some pictures at least.

The New UPS?

My grandmother read it like it was a word instead of an acronym. "I sent your package ups, should get there tomorrow." There was a point when I tried the pronunciation out, but people just thought I was dumb, whereas my grandmother was charming. I guess that how it goes. She had a contagious smile and laid back laugh. She never said, "hi," she said, "Well, Hey..." and gave you a hug.

This week good old ups paid us a visit making me wonder: didn't they use to knock? They didn't always stay to chat, but at least gave the common decency of letting you know they were on your front porch and leaving a package. In the past few years their delivery has gotten shakier and shakier, until today when, I'm quite certain, the delivery man threw my package from the truck door or at least the sidewalk. I heard a thump. A loud one. The package contained only clothes so no real harm done. Other than the fading memory of delivery men who were courteous and I was able to communicate with even if it was a just a wave and a thank you as they headed back to their truck. Oh, the bygone era when we people interacted with each other in person, face to face, with words, smiles, and sometimes even a wink (another of my grandmother's fave).

The Dancer in the Garden

This wonderful sculpture is hidden in the trees at the bicentennial gardens in Greensboro. There are many sculptures throughout, but I never noticed this one until my daughter found the swings in the memorial garden. As we were swinging one day I looked over and there she was. So lovely, yet somehow fleeting. Most of the sculptures in the gardens are solid and were placed in clearings to highlight them. I wonder why she is so hidden, just an outline. Yet, there is something about her that is full of life and beauty.

Until I was about sixteen I really wanted to be a ballerina. There is something so magical about tying the ribbons on your pointe shoes. I still have a pile of them that keep in a box under my bed. My very first pair I hang on the wall. I'm hoping to spend this year working on a documentary about ballerinas. It has always been my goal for my two loves to intertwine: ballet and film. Here's to dreams.

An Orange Chair

A few months ago I moved my desk downstairs because I couldn't bring my daughter to the upstairs office (there is way too much stuff for her to get into). I didn't have a chair to use in the living room and had to use a kitchen chair. My husband and I upholstered our headboard and I have wanted to upholster a chair as well. Years ago I used to watch House Beautiful every Sunday and they did a profile on a woman who fixes up chairs and have always wanted to try it myself.

The hardest part was finding a cheap wooden chair. It took me a good month or so to find one. Our living room is light blue and my sister suggested orange would pop well in the room. We had to completely rebuild the seat because the wood was coming apart. I'm very happy with it and excited that I finally fixed up a chair.